“I didn’t make you do anything, Jack. Anything you feel, or don’t feel, is all you. I don’t want anything from you. Frankly, though, as far as love is concerned, I don’t think you have any idea what it is.”
“I didn’t either … until I met you,” I said, thinking how incredibly romantic that sounded and giving myself a mental high five.
“Bullshit! You don’t know the first thing about love.”
I was stunned. Couldn’t she feel how much I loved her?
“Of course I love you! I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I need you, Hollie. Now that I’ve met you, I don’t know how I ever lived without you. I would do anything for you.”
“Oh really, is that what you think love is?”
“Isn’t it?”
“Okay. If you love me and would do anything for me, go get Blazer and Johnny right now and ask them to come in here and make love to me.”
“What about me?”
“What about you? I thought you loved me, but your love isn’t about my happiness, is it? It’s about yours.”
“No, I … what I mean is … I want to be the one who makes you happy.”
“Oh, so it doesn’t really matter what I want. It’s all about what you want. You want to possess me. You want to have me all to yourself so that you can make me happy. Don’t you see? A coerced commitment turns love into an obligation. Where is the love in obligation? Ownership and jealousy are based on insecurity and fear. Fear is the opposite of love. Okay, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”
“Um … do I have to have the bad news?”
“Yes. Let’s go with the bad news first. Jack, love isn’t about possession of or control over someone. It’s not about being responsible for someone else’s happiness. You may think you can make someone happy, but you can’t. Yes, you can add to someone’s happiness, but ultimately each person is responsible for their own.”
I wasn’t sure exactly what Hollie was getting at, but I could tell she was trying to let me down easy. My heart sank.
“You’ve been brainwashed by society through books, advertising, movies and music. All those songs about not being able to live without someone or wanting to devote your life to someone else’s happiness are pure fantasy and totally dysfunctional.
“All those movies about people desperately clinging on to each other as though they are the only person they could ever be happy with are false. All the happy endings leave out one important thing and that is that it doesn’t end there. Life goes on and people change. People grow. People evolve. But not everyone changes the same way. Not everyone evolves at the same pace or in the same direction. That doesn’t mean two people can’t share their lives together. But it only works if they both choose to.”
“Well, I’m choosing you. What’s wrong with that?”
“First of all, they both have to choose the same thing. But more importantly, you aren’t choosing me. You already said you need me. That’s not choice. That’s addiction. You said you want me. That’s not choice, that’s desire. That kind of storybook love only lasts as long as you are getting what you want. That kind of love ends. True love never ends. True love is infinite. True love expands in every direction. It isn’t about taking, or making, or controlling, or having, or possessing, or even being physically close. The love I’m talking about isn’t even an action.”
“You mean like a state of mind?”
“No. True love isn’t a state of mind either. True love is a state of being. True love is the radiating force that connects everything in the universe. True love is acceptance. True love is joy. True love is pure, not fi lled with conditions and guarantees. True love isn’t restriction. True love is freedom. If you really love someone, then you will be happy for them whether they are with you, or with someone else, or someplace else, as long as they are following their own path and being their true self.”
We sat silently in the candlelight.
“So, what’s the good news then?” I asked sullenly.
“The good news, Jack, is that I do love you. That doesn’t mean I’m giving myself to you. All I can give you, is this moment. It doesn’t mean that we’re going to be together physically for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t mean we belong to each other. It means that we are connected. No matter what happens to us physically, we will always be connected, forever. This is the greatest gift one can fi nd. It’s not a gift that is given. It’s a gift that is shared. It’s a gift from the universe that exists for everyone who wishes to accept it. When we are apart, we can still enjoy our love for one another. And when we are together physically, we can enjoy it together in that way. But you don’t even need another person to accept the love of the universe.”
“But I feel so …”
“What you feel is desire.” Hollie sat up behind me and began rubbing my back. “You have desire for the way you feel when you are around me. The problem isn’t even the desire, but your attachment to the desire. What you don’t realise is that this beautiful feeling of love isn’t coming from me, it’s coming from within you. You don’t need me to feel love. You’re just too busy building all these boxes in your mind to realise it. Love doesn’t fit into a box. You think you feel love for me because you feel it when you are around me.
“Listen to me, Jack, I repeat, the love you feel isn’t coming from me. The love in me awakens the love in you. The love you feel inside has been there all along. You are just now realising it and your poor, habitually grasping mind is trying to latch onto what you are feeling, as usual, by looking outside yourself. When you surrender to this love within yourself, then you will awaken the love in others. You will find yourself surrounded by love. Love and happiness are within. All of the answers are within.”
I lay back on the bed next to Hollie. Everything she said made sense. I could feel something growing within me. It was a feeling of happiness, but different from any happiness I had felt before. I would almost call it joy. I began feeling warm all over.
Hollie was right. I was feeling it not as coming from any outside source, but from inside. And as the feeling grew, I realised it was there all along. How could I have missed it?
Hollie leaned over me, finished unbuttoning my shirt and took it off. She got off the bed, unbuckled my belt and pulled off my pants and underwear. I was completely naked. I put my hands behind my head and watched as Hollie put a CD in the stereo. When the music started, she turned towards me and began swaying in a slow, sensuous rhythm.

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